Guilty, put my head on the block
Under stress I ran away from
My parents
My family
My friends
My girl
Myself
My God
My two legs swishing back and forth
Trotting at the speed of light
Because I couldn’t bare the darkness that was ahead of me
Now behind me, yet I see it clearly in my vision
Fear in my decision
Fear of my precision
Anger for my distance not being heard
Over the obviously countless unspoken words
“I love you” exchanges in the game of pretend
It hurts you know
I didn’t know how to step into the fire
Scared of the infernal lashes
Scared that my voice would speak an easy grave
Great income I suppose
Yet tear drops and snot escape the debt of my nose
I shy away from the drama
The yelling, the cursing, the uncertainty
To find solace in a dark room or video game
Pushing analog sticks to pull away from the pain
Staring into the void hoping for something to take me away
But where would I go
If I end up
Right back where I started.
Tank full of regrets,
Burning into fumes of repentance
If I could, I would:
Attempt a corny joke to ease the icy tension
Step in so they wouldn’t step out
Dance in the light instead of hiding in the shadows
Scream the hurt inflicted by their words and actions
Be forgiving, yet not so nice
Stand on principle instead of falling into deceitful fantasy
Give more silence, flick my tongue less
Not my fault
Yet I feel blameworthy for how it all played out
Unaware of choice back then
Now wishing it was the present me back then
But then I wouldn’t be who I am then
I wouldn’t have found life in the pen
I wouldn’t have learned what it means to be friend
I wouldn’t have figured out how to stroke in the deep end
Who would I be if it wasn’t for me being who I was?
I guess we’ll never know…
Flow where the river takes me
I paddle along the jagged edges below me
Waiting to scar me once more
This time, however, I’m pushing off all fours
Traveling along to the great beyond
Leaving the dead me, I’m moving on
To greener pastures.
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